Surviving (and maybe even enjoying) the Holidays!
Hello everyone and Happy Holidays! It’s that fun time of year where we all start to reflect on the year passed and make goals for the coming new year. It’s also that time of year where we all some how feel stressed and pressed for time. I’m sure most of you can relate, the weeks leading up to holidays can make reflection and relaxation a challenge. Attempting to use any extra free time from work to catch up on tasks, planning and coordinating the day with relatives and friends, trying to make sure everything at work is all taken care of while you are out and so on. It’s very easy to forget the point of this time when you get sucked into the whirlwind of anxiety and expectations that can come with the holidays. It’s even worse if holidays have some sadness or even trauma associated with them.
So, what is the real point of this flurry of expectations to see loved ones and rearrange work schedules between November 1st and January 1st? We all, on some level, know that this is time set aside to reflect on what is important and be mindful of all we have to be thankful for. It’s a shift from our survival mentality to thinking more positively and thinking on what we are grateful for. That’s why most people seem to be cheerier this time of year. Unfortunately, more often what is seen in the 21st century, are people in more of a hurry than usual to fit “everything in” now that there are added expectations from our usual responsibilities (i.e. buying gifts, traveling, going to dinners/parties) and rearranging your usual schedule. This leads people to feel irritable and overwhelmed because it is activating the survival part of your brain. That amygdala thing I’ve talked about in previous posts that governs the flight/fight/freeze response.
Who ever thought to put these holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Chanukah, and New Year’s) all focused on spending time with friends and family and reflecting on the positives back to back from each other must have had no idea how much stress they were actually creating. What would be nice and world changing is if we were in this mind set year round instead of just for 2 months. That way we’re not cramming in all the “warm fuzzy” stuff in such a short period of time and people would most likely be happier day to day. But this is not the world we live in.
That being said, how do we manage the extra stress? Here’s a few things keep in mind to help you actually enjoy the holidays and experience the real purpose.
Forced time is not quality time: We get so caught up in “seeing everybody” or “making time” but if you are stressing out and making unrealistic plans trying to cram in “quality time” with your friends and family… how quality is it. Usually what happens is you overbook yourself, while trying to juggle all your usual responsibilities throughout the year, and you become overwhelmed and irritable. Plus, your friends and relatives are going through the same thing so you both stress over your busy schedules and eventually both agree on a day and time that doesn’t actually work for either of you. Defeating the entire purpose and you either cancel last minute or don’t enjoy your “quality” time you “made” for your friends and family.
Try this instead. Ideally you and your loved ones would have an absurd amount of PTO/time off from work so you could have quality time that wasn’t rushed or forced. That way, everyone could get “fit” in and it would all be very rejuvenating and wonderful. We don’t live in this world… at least not yet, so you need to try and be realistic about your time and everyone else’s. You also need to be proactive but flexible. Looking at your calendar and considering what would work for everyone else you want to see over this month. When will you be traveling, when will they be traveling, etc. And if things come up, don’t shame yourself or shame the other person for “not making you a priority”. Things happen, especially if you live in a place that has snow. Relatives will change plans for you or your friends that will conflict. This is all part of it, and being flexible can help take a lot of the stress out. Remember, it’s nice to see your friends and relatives during the holidays… but there are 10 other months out of the year you can see each other if it doesn’t work out between Nov. 1st and January 1st. The day isn’t what makes the time spent together quality or worthwhile. It’s the person and the connection you have with that person.
Slow Down, Be Mindful, Reframe: Try using the mindfulness skills I’ve been blogging about. Take several moments out of your day to stop and be present. Asking “What am I rushing for?”, “What is making this a priority right now?”. Notice where you’re holding your tension. We should be carrying our stress and tension in our core, but we typically hold it in our jaw, neck, shoulders, and back. Be mindful of this and attempt to relax those areas as an anchor to help you be present and take a break.
Remember the purpose of this holiday is to be mindful of the good things in your life. If you are noticing that many of your thoughts are stressful or shameful (i.e. “How will I get everything done in time?”, “I’m a failure for not being able to do all of it.”) then you’re missing the point as well as setting yourself up for failure. Try some reframing- this is basically taking the “The glass half empty” mentality and shifting it to “the glass is half full”. You are reframing your perspective and shifting your thinking. Acknowledge the stressful and shameful thoughts but let them know they are not helpful or productive right now. These thoughts will just burn you out and make you miserable and ineffective. Be sure to share these thoughts with your therapist if you have one or try and find time to introspect around those thoughts at a different time. There is something there that is driving that maladaptive thinking. But, for the sake of this post, let’s try and keep it productive around getting through and enjoying the holidays.
After you acknowledge the thoughts of stress and shame, reframe them to a more positive and productive (and let’s face it, most likely more realistic) thoughts. “How will I fit all of this in” can be reframed to the more productive thought- “What are actual priorities I can fit into my schedule?” and “I’m a failure” can be reframed to “Everyone else is feeling this same way no matter how well they hide it” or “I am a champ, look what I’ve already gotten done”. Or even simply reframing your thoughts to what you are looking forward to or reflecting on what is going well. This doesn’t mean you need to internalize or stuff the hard emotions around holidays, it means to keep things in perspective- “I’m sad my grandfather passed away and this time of year reminds me of our traditions. I choose to look at those memories fondly”. As we get older, it is inevitable that feelings of sadness and grief will come up. In some cases, that’s why we get caught up in the rush. It’s an easy way to breeze by the more uncomfortable emotions this time of year can bring. However, in doing so, you also bypass the good emotions and the opportunity to reflect on the good things in your life.
Carve time out for you: It’s hard to reflect when you’re rushing and with groups of people all the time. This is adding another “thing” to try and “fit in”, but it’s an important one. Taking some alone time to really think “What am I thankful for in my life?”, “What are the positive things in my life?”, “Where do I want my life to head?”, “Who are positive people in my life I want to make more time for?” are all really good and important questions. The last question is also important and helpful… why wait for the holidays to make time for people you value and respect in your life?
Doing this will also rejuvenate you. Many people fear doing this because of the looming “what if I can’t think of anything?”… Well, then that is good information for you that you may need to make some changes in your life. It’s a harsh reality, but if you don’t try this exercise, how will you know what changes you can make to better your life? However, if you actually take time and really think and reflect on your life, you will find people and circumstances that you are grateful for. This exercise will also help you figure out how to get more of that positivity in your life.
Be Kind: This one is obvious, but possibly the most difficult. Especially when it comes to being kind to ourselves. Like I said, there are 3 holidays focused on spending time with loved ones and being grateful back to back in a 60 day period. We really should be practicing gratitude and prioritizing loved ones year round, not trying to cram it all in for these 2 months. Life is busy and we all have responsibilities. Attempt to prioritize “quality time” and “reflection” around the year. If you aren’t able to “get it all done” or “Have everything perfect” or “See everyone”; that’s ok. It doesn’t mean they don’t value you and it doesn’t mean you don’t value them. It just means that November and December were busy months. Being kind to yourself and others will help keep you in the holiday spirit and help you enjoy the season.
Hopefully these tips will help you throughout the next several weeks. Next week I’ll be talking more around body scans, mindful muscle relaxation, and how our emotions and experiences can live in the body. Have a great week and feel free to leave questions or comments on this post!
-James