What is Emotionally Focused Therapy?

Emotions are at the heart of human experience, influencing how we connect with others, perceive the world, and understand ourselves. When emotional experiences are disrupted, they can lead to significant distress and challenges in relationships. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) offers a structured and effective approach to addressing these issues, making it an excellent choice for those seeking deeper emotional connections and healing. EFT has proven to be helpful with couples, families, and individuals.

What is Emotionally Focused Therapy?

EFT is a therapeutic approach that focuses on adult relationships and attachment/bonding. Developed in the 1980s by Dr. Sue Johnson, EFT is grounded in the science of adult attachment and aims to help couples and individuals create secure, lasting bonds. 

Core Principles of EFT

1. Attachment Theory: EFT is based on the belief that human beings are wired for intimate emotional bonds. Disruptions in these bonds can cause significant emotional pain and dysfunction.

2. Emotion as a Key Organizing Agent: Emotions are seen as a powerful influence on our interactions and experiences. EFT helps clients understand and reorganize their emotional responses.

3. Systemic View: EFT looks at the patterns within relationships rather than blaming one individual. It aims to change the negative cycles that partners or individuals get stuck in.

How Does EFT Work?

The Cycle

The Cycle refers to the repetitive negative interaction patterns that people typically find themselves caught in. These patterns often involve a sequence of behaviors and emotional responses that perpetuate relational distress. In EFT, the Cycle is viewed as the primary source of conflict, rather than either partners, family members, or individual. The therapist works with the couple, family, or individual to externalize the problem to bring down blame and seeking fault in themself or others, allowing the person or people involved to see the Cycle as something that they can work together to change.

The first step in EFT involves identifying the Cycle and helping the client or each partner recognize their role in it. This process involves exploring underlying emotions and attachment needs that drive these patterns. By bringing these cycles into the person, family, or couple's awareness, the therapist helps them understand how their behaviors contribute to the negative dynamics. Through this process, people begin to shift their perceptions of themselves and other from viewing themself or others as the adversary to seeing the Cycle as the problem.

The Tango

The Tango is a structured sequence of therapeutic moves that the therapist uses to guide the client(s) through the process of change. Developed by Sue Johnson, the creator of EFT, the Tango involves five steps: (1) Reflecting present processes, (2) Exploring deeper emotions, (3) Expanding these emotions into new emotional experiences, (4) Integrating these new experiences into the relationship, and (5) Re-engagement. Each step is designed to help person, couple, or family move from a place of disconnection and insecurity to one of connection and security.

The Tango is central to the change process in EFT because it facilitates emotional engagement between partners, family members, and one’s self. The therapist uses the Tango to guide the client(s) in expressing their deeper emotions and needs, which are often hidden beneath their negative interactions. This process helps to create new, more positive interaction patterns that foster emotional safety and connection. The Tango is repeated throughout therapy, deepening the client(s) emotional engagement and solidifying their attachment bond.

Integrating the Cycle and the Tango

The Cycle and the Tango work together as mechanisms of change in EFT. The Cycle identifies and externalizes the negative interaction patterns, while the Tango provides a structured pathway for change. By helping client(s) recognize and disrupt their negative cycles, and then guiding them through new, positive interactions, the therapist helps them create a more secure and satisfying relationship.

Through these processes, EFT enables client(s) to transform their relationship by addressing the underlying emotional and attachment needs that drive their interactions. As client(s) learn to identify and alter their Cycles through the Tango, they experience increased emotional engagement, improved communication, and a stronger bond. Ultimately, the Cycle and the Tango serve as powerful tools that facilitate enduring change in the emotional dynamics of relationships.

The Cycle and the Tango are fundamental concepts in EFT that serve as mechanisms of change. The Cycle helps people externalize and understand their negative interaction patterns, while the Tango guides them through the process of creating new, positive emotional experiences. Together, these concepts enable clients to shift from disconnection to connection, fostering a more secure and fulfilling relationship.

Phases of Treatment

Assessment and De-escalation

The therapist assesses the couple's interaction patterns and identifies negative cycles. The goal is to de-escalate conflicts and create a safe therapeutic environment.

Changing Interaction Patterns

The therapist helps the couple to identify and express their underlying emotional needs and vulnerabilities. This stage focuses on fostering emotional engagement and creating new, positive interaction patterns.

Consolidation and Integration

The therapist supports the couple in consolidating their new interaction patterns and integrating these changes into their daily lives. This stage aims to strengthen the couple's emotional bond and ensure long-term resilience.

EFT Techniques

• Reflective Listening: Therapists listen carefully and reflect back what they hear, helping clients gain insight into their emotions and behaviors.

• Emotionally Focused Questions: These questions help clients explore their deeper emotions and attachment needs.

• Reframing: Therapists help clients see their problems in a new light, which can lead to breakthroughs in understanding and empathy.

Why Choose EFT?

Proven Effectiveness

EFT has a strong evidence base supporting its effectiveness. Research shows that approximately 70-75% of couples move from distress to recovery, and 90% show significant improvements.

Benefits of EFT

1. Enhanced Emotional Connection: EFT helps partners connect on a deeper emotional level, leading to more fulfilling and resilient relationships.

2. Improved Communication: By understanding and expressing their emotions better, clients can communicate more effectively and empathetically.

3. Resolution of Underlying Issues: EFT addresses the root causes of emotional pain and relationship distress, not just the symptoms.

4. Applicable to Various Issues: EFT is effective for a wide range of relationship issues, including infidelity, chronic conflict, and emotional disengagement.

Summary

Emotionally Focused Therapy offers a compassionate and scientifically backed approach to healing and strengthening emotional bonds. Whether you are struggling in a relationship or seeking personal growth, EFT provides tools and insights that can lead to profound and lasting change. By focusing on the core emotions and attachment needs that drive human behavior, EFT helps clients create secure, meaningful connections that enrich their lives.

Consider giving EFT a try and discover how it can transform your emotional world and relationships for the better.

You can learn more here

What is EMDR?

I was first trained in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) in 2016 by the Humanitarian Assistance Program (HAP). I didn’t know much about the therapy, other than that it was found to be a faster and more efficient way to help people process their trauma. I was skeptical when I first heard about it but decided to take the plunge and check it out since the community mental health center I was at was willing to pay for half of the training. Since then, I was certified in EMDR in 2018 and I am not almost done with my training to be a consultant for EMDR. Needless to say, I was hooked and now it is the primary modality and approach I use in my current practice

You might be wondering what it is, how it works, and whether it's right for you. This post aims to answer those questions and provide you with a clear understanding of EMDR.

What is EMDR?

EMDR, which stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, is a form of psychotherapy designed to help people heal from trauma and distressing life experiences. Developed by Francine Shapiro in the late 1980s, EMDR has gained recognition worldwide for its effectiveness in treating PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) and other trauma-related issues. Although, initially, Shapiro was mocked by many of her colleagues at the thought that eye movements and other bilateral stimulation (stimulation that alternates between both sides of your body), activated a psychic healing process.

How Does EMDR Work?

The core of EMDR therapy involves a process called bilateral stimulation (BLS) or sometimes referred to as Dual Attention Stimulus (DAS). BLS/DAS is typically through guided eye movements but can also be achieved through alternating tapping on either side of the body or using “buzzers” (a device held in your hands that alternates vibrations). This process helps the brain reprocess traumatic memories and reduces the emotional charge associated with them.

EMDR is based on the Adaptive Information Process (AIP) theory. This theory states that the mind is like any other part of the body and can heal naturally, it just may need some support. Much like if we break a bone, it will try to heal on it’s own even if it isn’t placed. It will just heal maladaptively. Think of the therapist and the BLS/DAS as the doctor placing the broken bone so the wound heals adaptively. Another analogy could be seeing trauma as a wound that has become infected. The mind cannot heal fully until it is disinfected and cleaned out, which EMDR can provide. EMDR trusts your own internal wisdom and healing process.

Here's a simplified breakdown of what happens during EMDR therapy:

1. Assessment and Preparation: Your therapist will take the time to understand your history and specific issues. They'll also explain the EMDR process, ensuring you're comfortable and prepared for the therapy. Preparation consists of building internal resources and developing skills to observe thoughts, emotions, and body sensations.

2. Identifying Target Memories: Together with your therapist, you'll identify specific memories, experiences, or emotions that cause distress. These are the focus for the EMDR process.

3. BLS/DAS: While you focus on the distress, your therapist will guide you through BLS/DAS (usually eye movements, but sometimes tapping or auditory tones). This process helps to unlock the brain's natural healing processes (AIP system).

4. Reprocessing: As the BLS/DAS continues, you'll notice changes in how you perceive the traumatic memory. The goal is to transform the negative emotions and beliefs associated with the memory into more positive, adaptive ones.

5. Integration: Finally, your therapist will help you integrate these new, healthier perspectives into your daily life.

Benefits of EMDR

EMDR has been extensively researched and is considered an evidence-based treatment for trauma. Here are some key benefits:

- Effective for trauma, anxiety, depression and most mental health conditions: EMDR is recognized by organizations like the American Psychological Association (APA) and the World Health Organization (WHO) as an effective treatment for PTSD and treatment for several other mental health conditions.

- Quick Results: Compared to traditional talk therapy, EMDR often produces faster results. Think of each set of BLS/DAS as 1 talk therapy session. In that 60 to 90 seconds, you may experience several emotions and insights because your brain is rapidly reprocessing the distressing material.

- Long-Lasting Healing: EMDR doesn't just provide temporary relief; it aims to create lasting changes by reprocessing and desensitizing traumatic memories. The nervous system and brain are being recalibrated and restructuring your internal working model

- Non-Invasive: Unlike medication, EMDR is a non-invasive treatment that works with your brain's natural healing abilities. You are fully aware of what is happening and do not enter an altered state of consciousness. The resources and therapist help with grounding and keeping you in your window of tolerance throughout treatment.

Is EMDR Right for You?

While EMDR has helped countless individuals, it's important to determine if it's the right fit for you. EMDR International Association (EMDRIA) oversees the certification process and training of EMDR therapists and has a lot of helpful information to help you further consider if this is a good fit for you.

Here are a few considerations:

- Open Mindset: EMDR involves unconventional techniques like eye movements. This therapy is different and can feel very weird at first, but being open to and trusting this process is crucial to ensure results.

- Therapist Match: Finding a certified EMDR therapist you trust and feel comfortable with is essential for effective treatment. You can search for trained and certified EMDR therapists with EMDRIA’s find a therapist tool

- Commitment: Like any therapy, EMDR requires commitment and active participation. Regular sessions and follow-through are key to success.

Final Thoughts

Choosing to seek help for trauma is a courageous step. EMDR offers a powerful and efficient way to heal from past wounds and move forward with a renewed sense of well-being. If you're considering EMDR, take the time to research, find a trained therapist, and discuss your options. Remember, healing is a journey, and you deserve to find the path that works best for you.

Global and National Grief

I had every intention to do this post back in April, but her we are. It’s been a very hectic and emotional 2 months for most of us, myself included. Most Americans are having a lot of different feelings about the pandemic and many of the political issues and policies in the U.S. Regardless of your thoughts, stances, and feelings on the pandemic or American politics- Most of us are feeling one or several stages of grief along with fear, maybe even despair. My practice has become busier than ever in the last few months and the common theme coming up is grief and fear. Before I get into it, this will start out sounding like a political post. It is not. The intention of this post is to discuss the mental health repercussions and possibly offer some things we can do to take care of ourselves and others during this very tumultuous time in American history.

Just in the last few months, while we are all navigating a pandemic, America is gearing up for what is said to be a historic election. The nation is polarized with opposing views and many Americans are somewhere in the middle of various issues trying to figure out where they stand. Not because they necessarily have too, but the pressure is on for people to pick their “side”. Whether this is intentional or not, the Left and the Right of America are basically demanding all American’s pick a side. This is stressful and near impossible with so many political issues with opposing views in this country. Others would say it is necessary because the neutrality and “seeing both sides” has allowed too much oppression and injustice to go on. On the other hand, America was built on the idea the differing perspectives and ideas would make us a great nation. I think where the line is drawn for me, especially as a social worker, is when a group or individual is being treated unjustly. At least, that’s my moral compass through all of this.

The grief and fear I mentioned earlier, is multi-faceted. One aspect of the grief and fear circles a lot around the sudden change and unimaginable amount of deaths from COVID-19. However, even before the pandemic, many Americans were scared and grieving the state of America. It seems that no topic is safe from being politicized and made a partisan issue. this is tribalism, and it’s an old and primal instinct we as pack animals have relied for centuries. In modern society, tribalism does not due much for us. You can see through modern history, attempts to make policies and send messages that go against tribalism. Yet, at the same time, we also see many messages that promote tribalism, especially more recently. Many of my clients and people I know are grieving the fact that tribalism seems to be winning, which is making them question the human race in general.

I’ll be honest, I’ve been struggling with this myself. I know there are good people out there, however, when you see cases like the murders of Breonna Taylor, Ahmed Aubrey, and George Floyd along with videos like the one’s Christian Cooper took of Amy Cooper where she made a false 911 report on camera all happening in such close succession, it’s hard to keep faith in justice and that enough good people exist to make a difference. It creates the sense of hopelessness because we see these news reports and then remember “Right, these things keep happening”. Flint, Michigan still does not have clean water, many Americans still do not understand the Black Lives Matter movement, racism, homophobia, transphobia, and sexism are still rampant and normalized, and some people are saying a stay at home orders are horrific crimes of oppression. Despite all of these facts, I offer this as some possible hope.

This is a time for us as individuals and a society to reflect. I’m realistic, not near enough people will actually take a step back and reflect on themselves and our society. I do not say most people will not do this to be a pessimist, but many people do not have the skills to truly reflect or introspect nor do many people have the capacity to look at these difficult and ugly parts of themselves or their society. In social work, we look at systems on multiple levels: Macro (Big picture, greater society), Mezzo (Communities, groups, institutions), Micro (Individual, families). All of them matter and most of us are grieving and scared on multiple levels. All the levels also have some very difficult aspects to look at.

For myself, I am trained to be aware and constantly work on my internal biases I have at my own micro-level. I also need to do the same for any institution I work for or affiliate with as well as my groups of people I associate myself with. Are these people I want to associate with, do they mesh with my values, etc. Many people are grieving America, the macro-level. How do we feel about how America has been and where it is headed? Most American’s would say they do not like where the country was been headed but disagree on how to change it.

This brings me back to grief. Western psychology tried to make grief, a very complex emotion, make more sense by breaking down into 5 stages (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression/Despair, Acceptance/Hope). Some mental health researchers talk about 7 stages, but we won’t get into that today for simplicities sake. The term stages is misleading, however, because it implies that grief can be linear. It isn’t, but wouldn’t be nice if it was! Instead, grief can be divided in 5 states or emotions and all can be felt one at a time or a mix of any of them. The goal being getting to the final stage, acceptance. This is achieved by allowing yourself to process the other 4, however with emotions, there is no real timeline. It’s specific to each person and the context. We see many Americans in a mix of anger and despair currently, however, if you look we can see denial and bargaining all over with people. Whether we are talking about the pandemic and it’s uncertainty or any number of injustices or issues that occur in the world. You’ll notice fear is not a stage of grief, but it is very present in many Americans right now. It could be argued that the fear is what is driving people into the grief.

So what do we do? We feel, but not to a point of overwhelm or emotional flooding. We feel them by allowing them to be there and recognizing when we are spiraling into overwhelm. Picture our grief and fear as a lake we are floating in. In order to see what is in the water and make sense of it, we have to go under the water, but we need to come up for air otherwise we will drown and be stuck. Coming up for air is the equivalent to utilizing coping strategies like deep breathing, exercise, talking, doing something enjoyable, etc. Once we dive in a few times, the water becomes less murky and we can see what’s down there more clearly. Anger, sadness, fear… and we can even start to see what we are actually having specific feelings about and why. This clarity does not make the feelings go away, but it makes them more manageable. Once this happens, you can start the journey of accepting what is beyond your control so you can focus on things you have control over and find solutions. This may not sound like much, but it is empowering. things that seemed beyond your control, you may find you actually have more control than you thought. If not, then you know this is something you may need to grieve. Focusing on what you can control helps with the grieving process and helps find hope in areas where you do not have control.

It’s a very uncomfortable process that has a lot of great rewards. The primary one being, finding hope. Without hope, we as humans sink into depression and constantly feel powerless. I hope this post was helpful, feel free to ask any questions or write how you have been grieving and processing these last several months.

Take care and be well.

Managing Anxiety Through COVID-19

Today marks my 9th day of working from home, practicing social distancing, and essentially self-quarantining other than essential trips. For some of you reading this, you may have started before me and have been doing this longer. Many states and major cities in our country are issuing stay at home orders (called shelter in place some places) so if we weren’t practicing social distancing before and only leaving the house for essential reasons, a lot of us are now. Regardless of your opinion or stance on this pandemic and how it is being handled, these are truly uncertain times. If there is one thing anxiety hates, it’s uncertainty. Even if you are not anxious about contracting COVID-19, there is a lot of uncertainty in how governments are going to respond as the pandemic progresses and what the world will look like after. In addition to that, as I noted in my last post, our nervous systems pick up on how others are feeling. At this point in time, it’s not just your community or just our nation that is on edge. It’s the entire globe. We can all feel that, and having awareness of that will help us check in on “Is all of this feeling mine or am I picking up on the energy of everyone else right now?”

This pandemic is also requiring many of us to be patient and to be comfortable with being bored sometimes… These two things are difficult for many people, but especially during a time of crisis. Keep in mind, this crisis is unique because it’s not something we can really see, run from, or fight in the traditional sense. It’s a virus, and our primary method to fight it is to stay in our homes and disrupt our daily lives. Add conflicting beliefs amongst the people, a divided government sending mixed messages, financial stress, limited resources, and media overflowing us with information we need to research to ensure it’s factual, plus many of us are worried if we will even have a job if we haven’t been laid off already- Yes, we are going to feel anxious and exhausted. However, we can own that and not panic. That’s right! We can feel anxious and concerned but not panic and not be hypervigilant at all times of day and night.

Panic: sudden uncontrollable fear or anxiety, often causing wildly unthinking behavior

Hypervigilance: an enhanced state of sensory sensitivity accompanied by an exaggerated intensity of behaviors whose purpose is to detect activity. Hypervigilance may bring about a state of increased anxiety which can cause exhaustion.

Above are the definitions of panic and hypervigilance. I’ve spoken about anxiety in past posts and have explained how it’s a natural, biological response that motivates us and drives our desire to survive. As a clinician I see anxiety as helpful up until a certain point. A big part of my job is helping people assess if their anxiety is being helpful and reasonable or unhelpful and unreasonable. For example, helpful anxiety reminds us to do our best work, whereas unhelpful anxiety tells us we will lose our job if our work is not perfect- which can lead to hypervigilance and/or panic. Now, hypervigilance and panic have their purposes and their places. If we are in a dangerous situation, hypervigilance could save our lives. Panic makes us go deep into our amygdala (survival part of brain) and all we can focus on is how to get out that situation. These can be very helpful in some life or death situations, however this is not one of those situations.

What I mean by that is, our primary way to stop this virus is to stay home as much as we can. Panic will not serve us here… we saw that with the toilette paper. I could see the argument of being hypervigilant when out doing necessary errands and work, however we could just be vigilant in the sense of practicing social distancing and necessary precautions. That is to say, as long as we are following the recommended precautions of washing our hands regularly and covering our mouths when we sneeze or cough and practice social distancing, we can remind ourselves “that’s all I need to worry about and I’ll be fine”.

This brings us back to assessing helpful vs. unhelpful anxiety. My biggest recommendation is to know the facts. In order to do this, it’s important to pace yourself. Your mind is like a sponge with information. It can only take in so much at a time and at some point you won’t be able to take in and process the information if you take in too much at one time. I’d recommend sticking with CDC to start and then find other sources that are credible. Looking at your state’s local CDC department may also be helpful so you can be aware of what is going on in your community.

https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/index.html the link has helpful and factual information about the virus and ways to take precautions and stop the spread. Remember, be intentional with what you are looking for and why. This will help you not get caught in other headlines.

Self-talk is a very powerful tool. How we talk to ourselves and knowing the narrative in our minds about what is happening is extremely helpful. Our thoughts and emotions are intertwined with our behaviors and decision making. We have the time, so I would encourage you to practice mindfulness and introspection. This can look different from person to person. Some people prefer guided meditation, which you can find on youtube or apps like Calm, other prefer to find a quiet space to be with themselves. The point is to sit with your emotions and notice the thoughts being generated by the emotion. Be careful not to run with the first thing that comes to mind. Work on being curious and going deeper with your thoughts and feelings. For example, often times we will find we are feeling anxious but if we go deeper, we realize we actually sad or that sadness or another emotion are driving the anxiety. Once you know your narrative, you can engage it by first trying to understand it (honoring the emotions by understanding why they are there), followed by validating yourself (self-compassion to avoid a shame cycle because shame prevents us from feeling safe), and then problem solving or rationalizing the emotion to help reframe/change the narrative to something more helpful.

I’d recommend doing the same for anxiety around the economy, job security, how the government is handling this, and what the world will look like after the pandemic has passed. We can’t know what the future will hold, that anxiety is valid, but we can foster hope. We can have hope in knowing this could change the world. We can have hope that assistance is coming to support and help us all through this (Congress is working on a relief package right now). We can use this time to connect with loved ones via video or with the people we live with. This is a unique opportunity to work on ourselves and our relationships because we are being forced to slow down and not be distracted by going out and to other places. I say take advantage of that in whatever way feels right and healthy for you. We can also focus on what we can control and take space to grieve and accept what we cannot control. We can be upset at how unfair a lot of this is and still know we will figure this out and need to roll with what comes at us.

In addition to that, I’m sure many of you have been seeing the articles around keeping a routine, exercise, get outside while practicing social distancing, and using deep breathing and stretching to help destress. I would recommend doing all of that along with being mindful and introspective with yourself and being intentional on what and how much information you are taking in.

That’s all for now. Feel free to comment with how you are taking care of yourself and taking advantage of this time or any questions you might have on what I wrote about today. Also, links to self-care ideas during the stay at home order are also welcomed in the comments!

Talking to Kids about the COVID-19 virus and the precautions

During this time, there are a lot of emotions and a lot of opinions on what is going on in the country as well as the world, leaving many of us unsure of what think, do, or feel. This post will be the first of several with strategies on how try and navigate this situation. I do not claim to be an expert in anyway, none of us have lived through anything like this before. However, I plan on using information I am finding through the CDC, established mental health researchers, and my own knowledge of trauma and general psychology when I write these posts.

This post is focused more on parents and caregivers with the goal to give some guidance on how to support children during the quarantine and includes helpful links to resources on this topic. I wish there was a manual of best practices on how to explain a pandemic to children, so please keep in mind we are all doing the best we can. Also keep in mind that it’s the responsibility of the adults to ensure children are able to feel safe and cared for during this time, while also ensuring children are taking the necessary precautions to prevent COVID-19 from spreading. We can only do that by taking care of ourselves and our emotions as well. Self-care is so important right now, on so many levels.

With anything, be it a mass shooting, a natural disaster, a death, etc. It’s always important to give your child space to ask questions and to express their feelings with full acceptance. Like I said, in order to do this, it’s very important parents and caregivers are taking care of themselves through this. Whatever that looks like. I’ll be writing another post soon with ideas on self-care. It is important and helpful to remember, you don’t have to have all the answers. It’s more important to be able to hold your child and sit with them in the unknown over having the “right” answers. Your child will feel safe knowing they can come to you for comfort more so than if you can tell them how long this will last. I will say it again, none of us have ever been through anything like this before and information is changing quickly and frequently. It’s ok to tell your child “I don’t know, but I’m here to keep you safe and we’ll get through this”.

A lot of the time we get anxious on how to explain things to our children because we fear we will not have the answer or they will ask a really complicated question that we do not know how to explain in a developmentally appropriate way. Most of the time, if you start by saying “What questions do you have?” kids usually have pretty simple questions. That’s not only the case and there may be some complicated questions asked depending on your child, but hopefully this post can give some guidance and ideas on how to answer questions and make space for your child’s emotions.

Many of my child clients (as well as many adults) have talked about feeling more anxious about what a quarantine means and if there will be enough resources for everyone (food, toiletries, etc.). Due to many of the movies that are out there, there is also a fear of society possibly crumbling and not trusting the government will take care of everyone. I bring this up so you can keep in mind that most of our kids will be more focused on that than the virus itself. These questions can be answered with comfort and letting children know the government is already working on ways to make sure people are taken care of and there are people helping each other. Now some of your children may ask for specifics. Use your discretion as a parent on what you share about what the government is doing and how you share it. Remember, the goal is to provide some comfort. I’d recommend sharing the stories of people singing to each other on their balconies, neighbors getting groceries for the elderly, schools serving food to low income families, and other stories like that.

Here’s an idea of how you can explain the quarantine to children- To protect people who can get really sick from it, like the elderly, people with breathing issues or other illnesses, and infants. We’re also staying home right now so we hopefully do not have to do it for a long time. We don’t know how long this will last, and that can feel really uncomfortable so I want you to know you can always talk to me about how you’re feeling or ask any questions (or something along these lines).

If you are needing to explain to children what COVID 19 is, PBS Kids has a link on how to talk to your kids about the Coronavirus: https://www.pbs.org/newshour/health/10-tips-for-talking-about-covid-19-with-your-kids

Essentially, it’s helpful to explain it in a way you would most colds and flu. That is, talking about germs and that we keep them from spreading by washing our hands, staying far away from other people (family is ok), cleaning surfaces, and trying not to touch our face or put things in our mouth. I’ve been explaining to children that COVID-19 or Coronavirus is a cold that a lot of people are getting right now, so that’s why we are staying home. I also explain the symptoms area fever, a cough, and having a hard catching your breath/being easily winded.

I’m hoping this first post is helpful! As I said, I will be posting more tips and strategies for adults to manage anxiety through this as well as more ideas for parents and caregivers to support their children.

Below are more helpful links to help explain this to your children and strategies to help them destress and manage their anxiety.

Feel free to comment with more ideas and resources for parents and caregivers to help children through this!

Take care and stay well!

Here’s a youtube with science experiment to help explain how washing our hands helps get rid of germs: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djxmuDz8c3s

Here is another really good article from PBS on how to talk to your children about COVID-19:https://www.pbs.org/parents/thrive/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-coronavirus

Here are some coping strategies you can teach children for when they are feeling stressed or scared: https://www.pbs.org/parents/thrive/how-you-and-your-kids-can-de-stress-during-coronavirus

This link is good for any age and focuses on mindfulness and self-hypnosis to help when feeling stressed or scared: http://imaginaction.stanford.edu/?fbclid=IwAR059syA3-RY3Y8he1PtfrGiW0oIsv3LVDddOHgeZykXsQlC1R7mIohm2ac

A Different Perspective of Valentine's Day

Happy February 13th! The eve to the day of love. I’m well aware people fall into camps around this holiday. Some embrace the day and others feel it’s over rated and shameful to people not in a romantic relationship. For the latter, I totally get it and I had been in that camp of people for a long time. The entire day, like many holidays, has been taken and twisted into a day about consumerism and showing love through spending money on your significant other. Plus, my big hang up has always been that celebrating a significant other should be every day AND anniversaries are more appropriate for this kind of thing (in my mind anyway). At least until recently, which I will be getting too. I could go into the origins of the day and how it originally was a very early Christian fertility ritual to signify spring and then much later became about love, but I’m here to focus on the present and offer a different perspective for February 14th.

My new perspective actually came very recently, a couple weeks ago, when I was thinking about this coming Valentine’s Day. I noticed it’s on a Friday and I happen to have the following Saturday free. My partner and I don’t traditionally do much for Valentine’s Day for many fo the reasons I mentioned in the previous paragraph. However, I felt myself wanting to do something special this year since it would be a holiday weekend. I’ve also been reading a lot of recent/updated research on Attachment Theory and Emotionally Focused Therapy. It was then that I had the question “Why do we have a centuries old day about love?”, which was immediately followed up by me answering myself with “Because humans are relational creatures and have been the entirety of our existence”. All of the research is showing that relationships (attachments) play a huge role in a person’s mental health. We are biologically designed to seek connection (love) and meaningful relationships with other people and strive for healthy romantic relationships, family relationships, and friendships. These connections tend to have an impact on how we feel about or view ourselves, not due to emotional weakness but because that is how attachment works.

Healthy and secure connections help improve one’s mental health, build resilience, and form a secure sense of self and emotional strength. We need these connections our entire lives, not just in childhood. Being a healthy adult is to know when you actually need help and when you can handle something alone, along with knowing who you can reach out to for help. Our society has confused the definition of a healthy adult as someone who never needs help and is 100% self-reliant. This is an unattainable goal and it’s unhealthy to pursue since it only leads to self-shame and breaking down your psyche.

Love and Attachment are the same. Both have various forms and levels depending on the other person involved in the relationship, but love is a very important part of humanity. There’s family love, romantic love, platonic love, self-love, and fondness- so maybe not “love” but a liking of something or someone. So my new perspective is that February 14th is strictly a celebration of love’s many forms and all the loving relationships in our lives. Love is one of the rawest forms of emotion we can feel and provides the most human of experiences. Like I mentioned earlier, literally every movie, book, story, or myth has a form of love as a focal point. Yes, romantic loves tends to be a primary go to in most stories but celebrating family and friends who provide safety and security to you is just as, if not more so important. Don’t forget loving yourself, this is a very important and overlooked form of love.

Now, I’m not saying you need to buy gifts for everyone and yourself. Far from it, unless that’s your love language and that’s what you want to do! All I’m saying is, rather than being annoyed or even upset about Valentine’s Day, look at it as a day to celebrate something that all humans need and value- love and connection in many forms. Celebrate them a way that is meaningful to you, even if it is just a moment of reflection and thanks for these connections and what they provide you. And don’t forget to appreciate yourself! Even if you’re not your own favorite person, you still deserve to be loved and to feel love in its various forms. Everyone deserves that. I don’t know, maybe that’s what this day has always been about?

Take care and Happy Valentine’s Day

Post Holiday Hangover: Back to Reality

I hope everyone had a good holiday season! I always find the couple weeks after the holidays to be pretty rough. There’s so much anticipation, energy (negative and/or positive) exerted, and scrambling to get everything done and ready for the upcoming break. Then, once it’s here, it’s not restful. Exciting and fun for some of us and it’s exhausting and daunting for others. Either way, it’s a lot of energy and is rarely recharging for most people. Now we are in the part where we are all tired and reeling from our holiday celebrations but expected to go back to the grind and our normal routines. Not to mention the overwhelming anxiety that comes with how much money most people end up spending over the holidays. That’s enough to make anyone want to hide from the world or go into overdrive trying to make up the money they spent.

If you are feeling tired, unmotivated, and wanting more time off- this is normal despite how much it sucks. There’s nothing wrong with you or whatever thinking errors might be existing in your head. A side from all the things I listed in my holiday blues post last month, a lot of us now are attempting the task of implementing positive changes through our resolutions or goals for the new year. This is a good thing but we all tend to get intimidated or overwhelmed in implementing some change. We also may be feeling exhausted from the reflection of last year, especially if last year wasn’t that great.

Either way, it’s important to be patient with yourself during this time. Most of us are tired, most of us are feeling intimidated to “get back to reality”, and most of us want more time off to recover and recharge from December. Normalizing your thoughts and feelings around this time can be helpful in avoiding getting caught in a shame cycle. All we can do is our best. For those of you who are feeling the pressure to start your resolutions- Please remember change takes time and there’s often backsliding into old behaviors no matter what it is you are trying to change. Baby steps and self-compassion are key to any form of change and improvement. A lot of people fear that self-compassion can lead to complacency and “making excuses” for ourselves. This can happen if you are allowing yourself to give up on your goal. However, most of the time its more motivating. Examples of Self-compassion:

• Reminding yourself that change is hard but with persistence you will meet the goal

• Encouraging thoughts- i.e. -”I got this” - “Everyone slips up sometimes but I can learn from it and do better next time” -

• Make reasonable and attainable goals each day and build on those for the next day

• Focus on and celebrate the successes

• If you focus on the failures, use them to learn how you can get around barriers in the future

• Remember it’s ok to have a difficult day, it’s part of being human

I hope this is helpful! How are you taking care of yourself while you are pushed back into reality?

Holiday Blues and Motivation

We are in the thick of it! Holiday season. With this time of year, there are a lot of wonderful things- celebration, time with family and friends, the nostalgia from when we were kids. However, for many of us, this time of year can bring up a lot of frustration, anxiety, and even sadness. The days are shorter and there’s less sunshine, which can make us tired and increase feelings of depression. Depending on your relationships with your relatives and friends you may have increased stress and/or sadness. The holidays can be a very mixed bag and then adding the expectation that you be jolly and relaxed this time of year or people will label you a “Grinch” or a “Scrooge” if you aren’t a ball of sunshine and Holiday Cheer. There’s a lot of pressure.

All this to say, it’s normal to feel tired and drained around this time. It’s also normal not to feel that way. Some people are very energized by the holidays and what they represent. But this post is about the other half. The people who are tired and find themselves with a lack of motivation and maybe even some sadness or depression around this time. In the previous paragraph, I listed a few reasons people develop the Holiday Blues but here are a few more:

Shorter days, less sun, it’s cold, our routines are disrupted, the pressure to produce the same at work with less time, family/friend expectations (Making time to get together, holiday parties, what gifts to get them) financial stress (affording presents and travel all while maybe not being able to work as much), and then there may be trauma or grief related to the holidays (A loved one passed away this time of year or maybe your family aren’t people you feel safe around).

So what can we do with the Holiday Blues. My advice sounds really easy and may seem a little unsatisfying, but you just allow yourself to have your feelings. That’s it, that’s all you can do. You allow yourself to be sad, frustrated, annoyed, depressed, or whatever the feeling and simply honor it by acknowledging it and allowing it to exist. Emotions demand to be felt, even when we do not want them there. They are our mind’s way of giving us information. Like the check engine light for our cars, our emotions let us know there is something we should check in on. You are not being a “Scrooge”, “Grinch”, or “weak” for having emotions other than happy or excited this time of year. You are human and you have different experiences and associations with this time of year. It’s great that some people are energized and happy this time of year, but it doesn’t make them better or “more normal” for having those emotions over others emotions. Keeping this in mind will be important for your own morale.

Now, realistically, we may not always have the time or opportunity to feel our emotions the very moment we are having them. That’s actually why we have the capability to compartmentalize (The ability to put our emotions aside so we can focus on something else). Compartmentalizing only becomes unhealthy if we never revisit the emotions we had to put away. When emotions are put away and never revisted or are put away continuously, we never have the chance to feel and process them. Then emotions get desperate and start coming out other ways- increased irritability, having a breakdown, passive-aggression, shutting down, etc. How you explore emotions depends on you and how you process. Internal processors will primarily sit with themselves and think about the feelings and where they are coming from. External processors do better talking about the feelings and where they may be coming from with another person, like a friend or therapist.

So what does allowing our emotions look like? Here is a list of ideas but ultimately, this is self-care we are talking about. Like I’ve talked about in the past, self-care is very specific to the individual and situation. Some ideas include:

Be realistic with your commitments and don’t overbook yourself, it’s not realistic and it’s ok to not go to every party or get together. Save your energy for the parties and get togethers you actually want to go to or really need to go to.

Remind yourself you are only one person and there is only so much time in a day- another version of being realistic with yourself. Not everything is going to get done at work or at home with these extra commitments.

Take a day or two off that is not a holiday related thing. We “take time off” for work during these 2 months but they are filled with commitments and usually is not restful “time off”. It’s just time not at work but we are usually doing something that is not recharging or restful. Take time to recharge by doing some of your favorite self-care activities (i.e. naps, baths, reading, enjoying a favorite treat, seeing people we like, being alone- whatever self-care is for you)

Listen to your internal dialogue/narrative. If you notice your thinking is shaming or punitive towards yourself or someone/something else, this will strengthen our feelings of sadness and frustration and decrease our motivation. This doesn’t mean we push the feelings away, rather, we want to be curious about the feelings and understand where they are coming from so we can process and let them go. As noted earlier, if you are at work or a situation where you cannot be curious or feel your feelings, then make a note, take some deep breaths, and remind yourself “I’m ok and I’ll explore this (pick a time to explore it)”. It’s amazing how, when we take space to be curious with our feelings how much more sense they make.

Doing these, fairly simple things, will help a lot with any Holiday Blues or lack of motivation you may be feeling this time of year. Comment below with some of your favorite methods of self-care and how you handle the Holiday Blues.

I hope this was helpful! Take care!

Surviving (and maybe even enjoying) the Holidays!

Hello everyone and Happy Holidays!  It’s that fun time of year where we all start to reflect on the year passed and make goals for the coming new year.  It’s also that time of year where we all some how feel stressed and pressed for time. I’m sure most of you can relate, the weeks leading up to holidays can make reflection and relaxation a challenge.  Attempting to use any extra free time from work to catch up on tasks, planning and coordinating the day with relatives and friends, trying to make sure everything at work is all taken care of while you are out and so on.  It’s very easy to forget the point of this time when you get sucked into the whirlwind of anxiety and expectations that can come with the holidays. It’s even worse if holidays have some sadness or even trauma associated with them.

So, what is the real point of this flurry of expectations to see loved ones and rearrange work schedules between November 1st and January 1st?  We all, on some level, know that this is time set aside to reflect on what is important and be mindful of all we have to be thankful for.  It’s a shift from our survival mentality to thinking more positively and thinking on what we are grateful for.  That’s why most people seem to be cheerier this time of year.  Unfortunately, more often what is seen in the 21st century, are people in more of a hurry than usual to fit “everything in” now that there are added expectations from our usual responsibilities (i.e. buying gifts, traveling, going to dinners/parties) and rearranging your usual schedule.  This leads people to feel irritable and overwhelmed because it is activating the survival part of your brain.  That amygdala thing I’ve talked about in previous posts that governs the flight/fight/freeze response.

Who ever thought to put these holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Chanukah, and New Year’s) all focused on spending time with friends and family and reflecting on the positives back to back from each other must have had no idea how much stress they were actually creating.  What would be nice and world changing is if we were in this mind set year round instead of just for 2 months.  That way we’re not cramming in all the “warm fuzzy” stuff in such a short period of time and people would most likely be happier day to day.  But this is not the world we live in.

That being said, how do we manage the extra stress?  Here’s a few things keep in mind to help you actually enjoy the holidays and experience the real purpose.

Forced time is not quality time:  We get so caught up in “seeing everybody” or “making time” but if you are stressing out and making unrealistic plans trying to cram in “quality time” with your friends and family… how quality is it.  Usually what happens is you overbook yourself, while trying to juggle all your usual responsibilities throughout the year, and you become overwhelmed and irritable.  Plus, your friends and relatives are going through the same thing so you both stress over your busy schedules and eventually both agree on a day and time that doesn’t actually work for either of you.  Defeating the entire purpose and you either cancel last minute or don’t enjoy your “quality” time you “made” for your friends and family. 

Try this instead.  Ideally you and your loved ones would have an absurd amount of PTO/time off from work so you could have quality time that wasn’t rushed or forced.  That way, everyone could get “fit” in and it would all be very rejuvenating and wonderful.  We don’t live in this world… at least not yet, so you need to try and be realistic about your time and everyone else’s.  You also need to be proactive but flexible.  Looking at your calendar and considering what would work for everyone else you want to see over this month.  When will you be traveling, when will they be traveling, etc.  And if things come up, don’t shame yourself or shame the other person for “not making you a priority”.  Things happen, especially if you live in a place that has snow.  Relatives will change plans for you or your friends that will conflict.  This is all part of it, and being flexible can help take a lot of the stress out.  Remember, it’s nice to see your friends and relatives during the holidays… but there are 10 other months out of the year you can see each other if it doesn’t work out between Nov. 1st and January 1st.  The day isn’t what makes the time spent together quality or worthwhile.  It’s the person and the connection you have with that person.

Slow Down, Be Mindful, Reframe: Try using the mindfulness skills I’ve been blogging about.  Take several moments out of your day to stop and be present.  Asking “What am I rushing for?”, “What is making this a priority right now?”.  Notice where you’re holding your tension.  We should be carrying our stress and tension in our core, but we typically hold it in our jaw, neck, shoulders, and back.  Be mindful of this and attempt to relax those areas as an anchor to help you be present and take a break.

Remember the purpose of this holiday is to be mindful of the good things in your life.  If you are noticing that many of your thoughts are stressful or shameful (i.e. “How will I get everything done in time?”, “I’m a failure for not being able to do all of it.”) then you’re missing the point as well as setting yourself up for failure.  Try some reframing- this is basically taking the “The glass half empty” mentality and shifting it to “the glass is half full”.  You are reframing your perspective and shifting your thinking.  Acknowledge the stressful and shameful thoughts but let them know they are not helpful or productive right now.  These thoughts will just burn you out and make you miserable and ineffective.  Be sure to share these thoughts with your therapist if you have one or try and find time to introspect around those thoughts at a different time.  There is something there that is driving that maladaptive thinking.  But, for the sake of this post, let’s try and keep it productive around getting through and enjoying the holidays.

After you acknowledge the thoughts of stress and shame, reframe them to a more positive and productive (and let’s face it, most likely more realistic) thoughts.  “How will I fit all of this in” can be reframed to the more productive thought- “What are actual priorities I can fit into my schedule?” and “I’m a failure” can be reframed to “Everyone else is feeling this same way no matter how well they hide it” or “I am a champ, look what I’ve already gotten done”.  Or even simply reframing your thoughts to what you are looking forward to or reflecting on what is going well.  This doesn’t mean you need to internalize or stuff the hard emotions around holidays, it means to keep things in perspective- “I’m sad my grandfather passed away and this time of year reminds me of our traditions.  I choose to look at those memories fondly”.  As we get older, it is inevitable that feelings of sadness and grief will come up.  In some cases, that’s why we get caught up in the rush.  It’s an easy way to breeze by the more uncomfortable emotions this time of year can bring.  However, in doing so, you also bypass the good emotions and the opportunity to reflect on the good things in your life.

Carve time out for you: It’s hard to reflect when you’re rushing and with groups of people all the time.  This is adding another “thing” to try and “fit in”, but it’s an important one.  Taking some alone time to really think “What am I thankful for in my life?”, “What are the positive things in my life?”, “Where do I want my life to head?”, “Who are positive people in my life I want to make more time for?” are all really good and important questions.  The last question is also important and helpful… why wait for the holidays to make time for people you value and respect in your life?

Doing this will also rejuvenate you.  Many people fear doing this because of the looming “what if I can’t think of anything?”… Well, then that is good information for you that you may need to make some changes in your life.  It’s a harsh reality, but if you don’t try this exercise, how will you know what changes you can make to better your life?  However, if you actually take time and really think and reflect on your life, you will find people and circumstances that you are grateful for.  This exercise will also help you figure out how to get more of that positivity in your life.

Be Kind: This one is obvious, but possibly the most difficult.  Especially when it comes to being kind to ourselves.  Like I said, there are 3 holidays focused on spending time with loved ones and being grateful back to back in a 60 day period.  We really should be practicing gratitude and prioritizing loved ones year round, not trying to cram it all in for these 2 months.  Life is busy and we all have responsibilities.  Attempt to prioritize “quality time” and “reflection” around the year.  If you aren’t able to “get it all done” or “Have everything perfect” or “See everyone”; that’s ok.  It doesn’t mean they don’t value you and it doesn’t mean you don’t value them.  It just means that November and December were busy months.  Being kind to yourself and others will help keep you in the holiday spirit and help you enjoy the season.

Hopefully these tips will help you throughout the next several weeks.  Next week I’ll be talking more around body scans, mindful muscle relaxation, and how our emotions and experiences can live in the body.  Have a great week and feel free to leave questions or comments on this post!

-James

It's been a while!

It’s amazing how quickly time can go by! I just realized my last post was July 3rd, 2018 and here we are wrapping up 2019! I’m sure many of you can relate. Life happens and next thing you know it’s been a year (or 2) and you didn’t achieve or even start any of your goals. The thing to keep in mind is that it’s never too late to do most things. It’s hard to keep this in mind because, as humans, we have a tendency to shame ourselves. You know those thoughts and feelings of “You’ll never actually do it”, “You never follow through”, etc. You’d think these thoughts would motivate us, but the funny thing about shame is that it discourages us. Compassion and understanding is actually more effective to motivate us because it’s encouraging. However, many of us were raised in a culture of shame. If it wasn’t our parents, it may have been our peers or other adults, or even just watching other people shame themselves on TV or in real life. Shame is modeled for us and it hinders many of us from reaching our full potential. I had to do this for myself around trying to get my blog and social media accounts up and running so I can reach more people and help them. Between owning a practice, meeting with over 50 clients, and trying to have a personal life- it makes sense why it’s been almost a year and a half since my last post. My life is calming down more so this is me giving myself some compassion so I can commit more to an online community and try and help more people feel comfortable inside and outside of their shell. Give yourself some compassion today too! I’m going to commit to blogging more frequently. What would you all want to me talk about that would be helpful to you?

Sleep

I realize I haven't written in a while!  I hope to get on a more regular schedule in the next month.  Things have gotten very busy, but I wanted to post about this recurring topic that keeps coming up with my clients of all ages.  How do I get better sleep?  I was recently outreached by The Sleep Help Institute, who generously shared some information with me to also share with my clients and those visiting my website.  Below are links to both articles.  Both articles are helpful in giving strategies to support not only your sleep but also your child's sleep.  You'll also see their is an article specific to the Autism Spectrum I would encourage parents and caregivers to give a read.  I'd also encourage you to give their website a look to learn more about how to get restful sleep and understand why sleep deprivation is so harmful to our physical and mental health.

What Sleep Deprivation Does To Your Brain

Autism Spectrum Disorder and Sleep Disorders 

https://www.sleephelp.org

Body Scans

Hello and Happy Monday!  Last week I mentioned body scanning.  Why is this an important tool and what is it?  Body scanning is a mindful activity that has you do exactly what it sounds like… scanning your body.  This has multiple benefits, one being this is an exercise where you use your own body sensations as an anchor to be present in the moment.  Another purpose is to check in with yourself; scanning your body for tension in certain areas to not only help you learn where you hold your tension but to also be mindful around what is eliciting this tension you’re holding.

The connection between mental health and physical health, I’m going to refer this as the mind/body connection going forward, is grossly overlooked by Western Cultures.  There is some slow momentum to recognizing this connection but we still have a ways to go with our current models in the medical and mental health fields.  In my first post I explained the flight/fight/freeze or stress response.  It involves our entire mind plus impacts us physically.  If we are constantly managing stress, which is making us teeter on activating our Amygdalas, how could that not impact us physically?  With chronic stress that is never acknowledged and managed our brains are constantly abruptly switching between our executive functioning and our survival mental states.  With that then our bodies are constantly switching between regulated and defensive states- our heart is switching between rapid beats to slow, our digestive system is turning on and off, and out muscles remain tense “just in case” there is a real threat… We’ve created a society of safety from nature and the elements but in turn have created a culture where we are in a survival state to maintain this level of safety… and we are each other’s biggest triggers.  But that’s a post for another week.

During the body scan, slowly and mindfully take note of where you are holding your tensions and stress.  Starting with the top of your head, working your way down your head, neck, shoulder, arms, back, and so forth.  While doing this, also take note of the speed of your heart beat, the speed and rhythm of your breathing, and other more internal sensations.  Simply asking yourself “What could be causing this”.  We don’t necessarily need to know at this point, but it’s helpful to be aware.  Also take note of thoughts that may be popping up while you are being mindful.  From there, see if you can mindfully focus on an area of tension and see if you can will your muscles to relax.  We have more control of your muscles than we think if we take the moment to slow down and focus.  Relaxing your muscles entails focusing on the area while breathing in a slow, deep rhythm and allowing the tension to move or leave the area.  Think of how you would like the are to feel (loose, relaxed, soft, etc.) and feel the muscles unravel and release the tension.  Stretching after can be helpful to.

Go and give this a try this week.  Next week I’ll post a script of my guided relaxation I do with my clients after we’ve gathered information from the body scan.  In the meantime, be well and please feel free to leave comments or questions on this post.

-James

The Feel of Mindfulness

Hello and Happy Monday!  Hopefully your week is off to a good start and you’re feeling positive… However, how many of us anticipate this to be the case after a restful weekend but we still feel drained and unprepared for the work week to start?  That is related to today’s topic.  Being mindful around our emotions.  We’ve been discussing how mindfulness can be used as an anchor to help us calm our minds and focus on the present, so now it’s time to discuss the other use of mindfulness: Understanding our emotions.  The more common term for it is introspection.  Definition of introspection being: the examination or observation of one's own mental and emotional processes.

This post will be shorter than my others, only because I want to draw your attention to this article on introspection and self-awareness: The Right Way to be Introspective (Yes, There's a Wrong Way)

I contemplated summarizing this article in this post, but it’s only 4 pages long and the entire piece is full of rich and useful information.  Here are the highlights: “We can spend endless amounts of time in self-reflection but emerge with no more self-insight than when we started… Introspection can cloud and confuse our self-perceptions, unleashing a host of unintended consequences… Asking “why?” in one study appeared to cause the participants to fixate on their problems instead of moving forward…“Why” questions trap us in our past; “what” questions help us create a better future.”

Being mindful of our emotions is an extremely helpful tool in living a life of harmony and mindfulness.  Our emotions are guided by our thoughts and impact how we behave and react to in our day to day lives.  However, emotions are also difficult to decipher, as we tend to try and go with the first feeling we can think of or first feeling we would associate as appropriate for the situation.  Next week, we will dive deeper into this topic, but for now- please click the link above and give the article a read on the correct ways to self-reflect and introspect.

Be well and take care.  Enjoy your week and I hope your mindfulness practices are helping make life a bit more peaceful.  As always, feel free to leave comments or questions!

-James

The Touch of Mindfulness

Welcome back!  Hopefully you’re finding mindfulness to be a helpful tool in staying present in the moment and taking a break from your worries about the past and future.  This week, we are going to focus on our sense of touch.  A lot of people take this sense for granite, but it’s truly the only one of the 5 senses that we cannot live without.  The other senses we can make due with accommodations and can learn to rely on our other senses.  Our sense of touch keeps us alive, without this sense we would not be able to gage temperature, notice if we are stepping on something sharp, and we would never experience affection the way we know it.

In doing the exercises with the other senses, there’s a good chance you’ve been noticing and possibly trying to ignore your sensations of touch (i.e. the feeling of the air or the sun on your skin depending on where you were doing the exercises).  There’s a few ways we can exercise this sense mindfully considering touch is used by all areas our skin covers the body… so all of it!  You can either find something to touch and manipulate with your hands or you can simply sit and notice the air and sunlight on your skin.  Regardless of which you choose, the same basic concepts apply.  Find an area where you won’t be interrupted for about 10 minutes, take some deep, relaxing breaths, do not judge or force thoughts away- simply notice them and let them go.  Now, focus on whatever you are choosing to focus on and take note of the emotional sensations you may be feeling.  Asking questions such as: What does the temperature feel like?  What does the texture feel like?  Is the object rough or smooth?  Is it hard or soft?  Does it feel different depending on where and how I touch it?  And so on…

If you are choosing to notice the sunlight or air, you ask yourself the same questions.  The difference being, instead of focusing on the sensations your hands are feeling, you take note of how different areas of your skin are feeling from the sunlight or the air.  For example: How does the breeze feel on my arm?  Is there a different sensation with my other arm?  The breeze hitting my back is cool by but the sunlight touching my shoulders is warming them; which feels better to me?  Or do both feel nice?

Again, the idea is that these sensations are being used as anchors to help stay present in the moment to act as a reset so we can calm our active minds.  Now, we’ve explored mindfulness for all 5 senses… that’s it right?  Of course, not!!!  Stay tuned for upcoming blog posts around other ways to utilize mindfulness in your day to day.  Next week, we will focus on introspective mindfulness. All of those emotions I’ve been telling you to note and then let float away- next week we will focus on what to do with those emotions and how to be mindful around our emotions and what is eliciting them from us.

Take care and I’ll see you next week!

-James

The Look of Mindfulness

Hello,

Welcome back!  So far, we've talked about 3 of the 5 senses (taste, smell, and hearing).  Today we're going to talk about our sense of vision.  Humans are very reliant on our sense of vision as a species and tend to use this as our dominant sense.  Visual learners are the majority in fact, as far as learning styles.  That being said, you'd think we would be very good at being mindful on what information we take in when we see.  Unfortunately, as I talked about in one of my first blog posts, the brain is always on the alert for potential or actual threats.  That being said, that's typically what we are subconsciously scanning for when we are looking around, and might catch something of interest or entertainment in doing so.

Mindful looking would be scanning but with the added step of not looking for something to have a purpose (entertainment, protection, etc.) other than the purpose of simply taking it in and analyzing it.  This is what we see people do in art museums all of the time!  Notice the colors, notice any patterns that may be there, truly see what is before you.  How do the colors mesh with each other?  Are there multiple patterns that run into each other?  Where do my eyes naturally go when I look at this?  What does this remind me of?-  All great questions to ask yourself as an anchor while you are mindfully looking at something.

Mindful looking also means not judging what you are seeing and not judging any feelings or thoughts that manifest while you are looking at it.  Just taking it in for what it is and accepting how you feel about it as reality and nothing more.

Mandalas can be great tools for this!  Just letting your eyes take in the pattern or following the different lines and patterns on the mandala.  Here's a link to images of mandalas: https://www.dreamstime.com/photos-images/mandala.html 

Honestly though, anything can be used for mindful looking- flowers, nature scenes, art, buildings, carpet, people's faces, and the list goes on and on.  Even mindful coloring, which has been a huge trend amongst people lately (adult coloring books), is a powerful tool to let your mind take a break.  You are focusing on the moment- what colors you are putting on the picture, how are they going to look and how do they look, and being present in the moment of what you are doing with out judgment or angst on the product or the activity.  You probably noticed I made a reference to future thinking.  Yes, I know the point is the present moment, but it is ok to think about the future a bit as long as it is relevant and related to what you are being mindful about and dod not get too caught up in the anxiety of the future.

So go out there and start looking at the world more mindfully.  Please feel free to leave any comments, questions, or ideas on this post!  Next week, we will be talking about mindfulness and touch.

Take care and be well!

-James

The Sound of Mindfulness

Hello everyone,

I'm hoping your mindfulness journey is going well and you are finding these strategies helpful as we find what works specifically for you and/or your child if you are a parent.  This week we will focus on mindful listening.  Humans are interesting creatures when it comes to the concept of listening.  Back when we were tribal, all 5 senses were key to survival, but listening was very important in many aspects.  Using it for hunting, ensuring a threat had passed, strategizing how the tribe would make it through a drought or a war, etc.  Listening to each other and sharing ideas is also what has helped us create the society we know and thrive in today... However, as our species has advanced, we all have really forgotten how to listen.

In conversation, many of us are so caught up in how we are going to respond to someone, we don't really listen to what they are trying to say... instead, we hear a few key words then use most of our energy thinking of a some sort of disagreement or contribution to what is being said.  Mindfully listening requires we don't even think about what we are going to say.  It requires full mental energy on taking in (listening) what the other person is saying AND THEN we think of our response.  How often does it happen that we tell somebody an idea or discuss a situation and how it made us feel and the other person gives a response and you immediately say "that's not what I'm saying", orthe other person say that to you in response to your response to them?  That's because neither person was truly listening to what was being said.   They heard a few key words and made an assumption and focused their response around their assumption of what you are trying to communicate.

A good place to start practicing mindful listening is trying to listen and take in the sounds around you.  Here's an exercise I'd like you to try.  As usual, find a place where you know you will not be interrupted for at least 10 minutes.  Humans are highly reliant on our eyes, so closing your eyes for this exercise will be very helpful but if that's too uncomfortable you can still do this exercise successfully with your eyes open.  Now, all you need to do is listen to what's around you.  As we've been practicing, any thoughts or stresses that come up as you try this- simply take note of them, acknowledge they are there, and let them go so you can focus on the sounds.  Again, the sounds are an anchor to help you stay present and go against our brain's inclination to drift into the future or past.  Do take note of the associations and feelings that come up with the sounds.  You can focus on one sound or multiple sounds, but the goal here is to stay present in what you are hearing in the moment.  The other goal being, practicing listening without judgment or over thinking how you are going to react to the sound.

Once you feel you have a good handle of mindfully listening to sounds without thoughts or emotions being preoccupying to you, give it a try with communication.  First, really try to listen to a person talking before jumping into conversation.  Something like listening to a radio DJ or an audio-book.  Your goal will be to actually take in every word they are saying, being mindful of the context, their tone, inflection, and their point to what they are saying.  This is good practice because in conversation, as mentioned before, we tend to get too caught up in how we will/should react/respond to what someone is saying to us.  By listening to the radio, news, or audio-book no one is expecting a response so this can help you hone your mindful listening skills.

Now, the real test.  Converse with someone and mindfully listen to the context, their tone, inflection, and their point to what they are saying.  Not only will this help prevent miscommunications and conflict, this will help with connection to others, help them feel heard, help you provide responses that are meaningful and related, and will enrich the conversation.  Especially in today's world, we don't listen enough.  We get very caught up in our thoughts and opinions, which it is good to know your values and have passion for topics, but it also prevents us from growing and learning from each other.

Parents: Don't just do this with adults.  Doing this with your children and modeling it for them whenever you communicate with other people is going to instill healthy and effective listening skills for your child as they grow and develop through life.  Maybe if we all went back to truly listening to each other, there would be less conflict in the world.

Have a great week!  Please post any questions or comments you might have on this topic!  Now go out there and listen!  Who knows what you've been missing :)

See you next week when I talk about mindful vision!

The Smell of Mindfulness

Another week begins a new!  Welcome and I hope mindful tasting went well for you.  This week, we are going to talk about the power of smell and how it can be used as a mindfulness strategy.  Smell and taste are actually very closely related senses that we have and using our sense of smell can also be part of mindful eating, which I touched on in my last post.  By taking the time to smell our meal and try to dissect which scent is which and what comes up for us emotionally with each smell can actually make the meal even tastier.  This is because we are slowing down to actually enjoy the different aspects of our meal instead of stuffing it all into our mouths as fast as possible.  It will also help monitor your food intake to prevent overeating. It takes our brains several minutes to process that our stomachs are full so, when we eat fast we feel less satisfied and less full but then feel stuffed and kind of sick because we overate.

The interesting thing about the sense of smell is that the receptors in our nose have a direct link to our limbic system, the part of the brain that manages our emotions.  This part of the brain also manages the emotional associations we have made in our lives.  For example, many people dislike the smell of gasoline and oil.  My limbic system, based on my experiences, have associated the smell of oil and gasoline to my father and times where he was most happy, which in turn, made me feel happy and safe.  Therefore, because of that association and experience, when I smell gasoline and oil it takes me back to summer days in Wisconsin with my father when school was out and I didn’t have may worries.  Another example, lilac and lavender already having a calming sent to most people because it makes us think of spring time when flowers are blooming.  My grandmother loved the smell and had lavender and lilac scented air fresheners all through her house.  So, for me, lilac and lavender remind me of the safety and love of my grandmother.  Do to these experiences, when I smell these scents my olfactory receptors in my nose identify the scent, send it to my limbic system, and my brain goes to the emotional state my limbic system has associated to the scent- in my cases, safety, joy, and relaxation.  If you allow yourself you can even feel yourself being back in the place and time you have associated with the scent; all the same physical sensations you were feeling during that time.  This also works the opposite way, hence why people panic when they smell smoke or gasoline.  Those smells are associated with danger.  If you’ve had a traumatic experience with a scent then you will notice going back to the emotional state you had during the traumatic event and may even relive the physical sensations.  Emotional and physical memory are very powerful tools our brains use to keep us safe, but without being mindful you may not be able to pin point what your mind and body are reliving.  This is where mindfulness can be useful.  Acknowledging the feelings coming up, recognizing you are safe now, and exploring what associations your brain has made to certain scents.

For the sake of relaxation though let’s do an experiment.  Here are some typical scents that calm people: Lavender, Chamomile, Bergamot, Sandalwood, Mandarin, and Jasmine.  Pick a few or all of these scents for this experiment- you can get them as lotion, oils, candles, etc.  Find a calm and quiet place where you won’t be distracted for at least 10 minutes.  Take a few calming breaths and get into a regulated state where your heart is beating at a calm/regular pace.  Pick which scent you would like to start with, hold it close to your nose and then go ahead and take a slow, deep inhale through your nose hold for 1 or 2 seconds and then a slow full exhale through your mouth.  Notice any initial images that come up or any emotional or physical sensations that come up for you.  If you notice nothing, that’s ok to. 

In the scenario where you don’t notice anything, simply analyze the smell by asking yourself questions like “Do you I like this smell?”, “What, if anything, does this smell remind me of?”, “What does this smell make me feel like?”, “Is the smell sweet, sour, spicy, etc?”, “How would I describe this smell to someone who has never smelt it before?”… These questions will shift your brain’s attention to the smell and help you stay present in the moment.

If images or emotional/physical sensations do come up for you with a scent, then be curious about them without judgement.  Take note of the associations you have with this smell and be mindful if the associations are relaxing, activating, or stressful.  Do not judge these associations, they are yours and they do not need to be anything than that… your associations with the scent.

Once you have figured out how your limbic system responds to different scents, you can use them tools to help you relax or help you active/energize yourself.  Cinnamon and peppermint are usually scents that energize people.  You’re probably thinking… “James, this sounds like aromatherapy…” and you are right!  The difference is aromatherapy is focused on the healing properties of certain scents to help with mental and physical ailments.  So, it is related to this topic but mindful smelling is more focused on the emotional aspects of being present in the moment.  Not necessarily to heal medical ailments.  Mindful smelling also does not require specific scents, it’s more around using the smell as an anchor to stay present in the moment and bring you to the mental state you are needing (i.e. relaxed, focused, awake, etc.)

Here are some links to some other scents you can try: http://www.aromatherapy.com/most_popular.html

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-3497/5-Aromatherapy-Oils-Everyone-Should-Have-at-Home.html

With that, go out and be curious about the smells of the world!  See what sort of emotional associations you’re limbic system has made for you and find the smells that help you relax and focus during this stressful journey of life.

As always, any questions or comments you have, please feel free to write comments!

Take care and be well!

-James

The Taste of Mindfulness

We’ve all heard of the basic 5 senses of sight, smell, hearing, touch, and taste.  For those Occupational Therapists or parents or individuals who have gone through OT you know there’s actually 7- adding vestibular (balance) and the proprioceptive (where am I in space) senses.  We are only going to focus on being mindful on the first 5 mentioned but keep the other 2 senses in mind as they can impact your emotions if they are feeling out of whack.

As mentioned in my last post, mindfulness is focusing on the present moment.  To start, it’s important to have an anchor to focus on so our minds don’t do what they are programmed to do- wander into the past or present.  I talked about breath and using that as an anchor to focus on.  Now we’ll expand from there.  Some people need to start with their breath to settle their mind and body before they can focus on a sense and others don’t.  It’s just whatever works for you.  In my opinion, taste is the easiest and most fun sense to start with for mindfulness.  It’s also has the most positive associations to our experiences.  I mention that last part because when we try to be present in the moment our mind tries to combat this by bringing up associations we have with that sensory stimuli.  If those associations are negative, then we tend to get distracted by those feelings trying to figure out where they are coming from.  This will be a goal down the road, but to start, we want to work on being able to filter our thoughts and emotions to give our brains a break from worry.  So, practicing with a sense that primarily has positive associations, it’s easier for people to not get too hung up on where the good feelings are coming from.  My theory on this is we are programmed to be more concerned with negative or scary stuff more so than positive and nostalgic stuff because survival is about understanding and avoiding the negative and scary stuff.

Associations the brain makes and the memory the brains store is amazing.  Many people do not understand how strong the mind/body connection really is.  A fun exercise to illustrate this, right now as you’re reading this I want you to focus and pretend you just took a bite out of a lemon… What did you notice?  Most people will say they felt the back of their mouths tingle and respond to the memory of how sour a lemon tastes and some even feel their body shiver if they really have reactions to the taste.  This is why certain smells, sounds, sights, tastes and touch can bring up vivid memories, both positive and negative.  The brain is always taking mental notes of how a sensory stimuli or experience made you feel so you’ll know if it’s safe or dangerous.

But I digress, now you’ll find a quiet area where you feel safe and know you won’t be interrupted for the next 5 to 10 minutes.  I usually recommend starting with something that will sit in your mouth for a while, like a hard candy or a mint.  Once it sits in your mouth, resist the urge to immediately feel or think of something.  This isn’t a race, there is no grade, the only reward you are getting is a break from worrying about the past or present.  Mindfulness is also about curiosity and enjoyment.  Ask yourself “What do I like about this”, “What is that flavor”, “What emotions does this flavor give me?” “What is that sensation on my tongue?” “What are the different sensations on this part of my mouth?”

Noticethese are pretty much all “what” questions.  When we ask “why” (our typical inclination) it runs the risk of causing judgment in our selves or other.  Replace the word “what” with “why” in the questions I listed previously… “Why do I like this”, “Why is that the flavor”, “Why am I having these emotions with this flavor?” “Why is that sensation on my tongue?” “Why are their different sensations on this part of my mouth?”… They also do not get to the point of being present in the moment because they are not necessarily questions that keep you from the past or present.

Mindful tasting can also be a good precursor to mindful eating… something many Americans do not do with our fast paced, time is money culture.  Mindful eating is a great, healthy habit to develop because, not only do we actually get to enjoy and taste our meal, we also are less likely to over eat if we eat mindfully.  Mindful eating also requires we are aware of what we put into our body.

Give mindful tasting a try and when you feel more confident go ahead and try mindfully eating a meal.  Next post, I’ll talk about how we can be mindful with our sense of smell.

Be mindful, be kind, be well and take care.

-James

What is Mindfulness?

Mindful

We hear this word a lot growing up, but no one ever really explains what it means.  "Be mindful of what you are doing", "Be mindful of others", etc. are common phrases we hear and say on a regular basis.  But what does it really mean to be mindful?  

Mindfulness has taken an upswing in popularity in western mental health research and practice as well as mainstream culture with the help of, in my opinion, yoga and Buddhism becoming "trendy" in the early 2000s.  It's a good thing!  We've learned a lot from research over the past decade.  Even schools are getting onboard incorporating mindfulness over in Europe: https://www.mindfulnessfoundation.org.uk/teachers/  .  We still have a ways to go though in regards to spreading the word of what mindfulness really is and how to do it.  Eastern cultures and philosophies have been incorporating mindfulness and mindful practices into their societies for centuries and western culture is just starting to get on the bus with this.

Why has it taken so long and what do I mean by "we have a long way to go?"  Western culture thrives on instant gratification and even when we say we want to "slow down" and live minimally, it's hard not to get caught up in the fast-paced, consumer driven culture western societies have established.  There is hope, many of us are trying to create more mindful societies here in the west.  I referenced the Happiness Trap in my last post, which talks a lot about accepting the present moment.  This book primarily focuses on Acceptance and Commitment-based Therapy (ACT), which, mindfulness is a useful tool in being present in the moment so you can accept it as it is.

So that's what mindfulness really is.  Being present and taking note of what is happening externally and internally in that moment.  Way easier said than done!  Our brains are naturally preprogrammed to analyze the past to learn from the experience so we can A) avoid any threats (this goes into associations and how rational or irrational fears can develop- a post for another Monday) and B) Potentially do it better next time.  Problem solving!  Our brains are also naturally preprogramed to look into the future to strategize so we can avoid threats and achieve our goals.  This is part of how creatures on earth survive.  It's also been very helpful for people to develop the advanced societies we have today.  The downside is, the only purpose of being present, in the brain's opinion, is to be aware of potential threats while keeping a dual awareness on how you will handle these potential threats by thinking of multiple alternate scenarios at the same time... Sounds kind of like that time you walked alone at night or that time you were thinking of excuses to tell your boss why you were late, or when you were a kid and thought of how to get away from any potential monsters or robbers that might come into your house.  All of us do it, it's how the brain has kept our species alive this long.  The brain is not preprogramed to really enjoy the moment.  It's more programed to enjoy the potential future however- meeting the goal our brain has set up to activate our pleasure center.

Think of your favorite dessert.  Our brains get very excited and activated at the thought of eating that dessert, but how many times have you sat down (especially when you were a child) and devoured the whole thing so fast you didn't really get to "enjoy" it.  You barley tasted it and you stiffed your stomach full and now you have a mildly satisfying tummy-ache.  We need to teach our brains to enjoy the moment, not just the potential future moment.  That's why we're doing this right?  We know, from research, humans are happier when they learn to be content with the present moment.  Being present also helps with our insights on how to handle a situation and it gives our brains a nice break from going to our Flight/Fight/Freeze response I talked about last week.  My next point being, the human brain is programmable; but it's difficult, especially if your cultural values are not congruent with values of being present and content in the moment.  Like I said, some Eastern cultures have been doing this for centuries and have incorporated it into their culture.  Mindfulness and acceptance of the current moment are the bases of Buddhism.

So how do you do it?  The first thing you need to practice, is resisting the urge of instant gratification and learning how to tolerate delayed gratification.  Essentially, for example: instead of having the cookie right now, I can have the cookie later after I eat my dinner. or the idea of "I won't have a six pack by exercising once".  This is the first step because mindfulness and ACT take time and practice before you really see the benefits.  This is a sort of life style, but it doesn't need to be this drastic change that we see franchised on TV.  It's about staying committed to small, manageable changes one step at a time.  It's not easy to turn our thoughts off because our brains are doing what it's programmed to do- 1) Watch out for potential threats to safety, 2) strategize how to avoid threats and meet goals, and 3) analyze past events to learn from them.  This is what our brain naturally tries to do and when we try to tell it not to, our brain resists.  It's different and reprogramming the brain takes intentionality and patience.  

Second step: Given everything I said in that last paragraph, be kind and patient with yourself.  This is a new skill, and like any skill it takes time and practice.  Something that helps with the frustration is a technique called "noting".  When you're starting out with mindfulness just take note of the thoughts, feelings, and sensations that come up.  Don't judge them or worry about them.  Do be curious about them but resist the urge to analyze them.  Just take note of them and then go back what ever it is you decided to be mindful on.

Third step: Choose one thing to be mindful on.  That's right!  It isn't just about clearing your thoughts and sitting seeing blank darkness with your eyes closed.  Mindfulness utilizes the senses to help focus thoughts and energy. Progressive muscle relaxation is a popular technique that has you focus on various parts of your muscles and will have you focus on tensing and relaxing them.  Here is a script you can read through and try at home: https://www.law.berkeley.edu/files/Progressive_Muscle_Relaxation.pdf 

Breathing is also a common and good first area to focus on when practicing mindfulness.  Our lungs are the only organ that we retain control of when we go to flight or fight and our breath helps our body tell our brain if we need to go to fight or flight or if we are safe and can remain calm. 

For caregivers reading this, start early!  Teach these skills your children.  Here's a link with 8 steps on how to teach children mindfulness and incorporate it into your family.: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sarah-rudell-beach-/8-ways-to-teach-mindfulness-to-kids_b_5611721.html

Give it a try after reading this.  Find something to be mindful on for 5 minutes and see how you feel.  This doesn't have to be a regularly scheduled practice either.  It can be incorporated into small 5 to 10 minutes portions of your day and you'll find that if you stick with it and stay consistent, your mind will start to be mindful more naturally.  In my next post I'll expand more on the different senses and different mindful strategies.

If you know of any helpful mindful techniques for adults or children, please comment on this blog to share your knowledge.

Thank you for reading!  Take care and be well,

-James

The science and function of anxiety- Without all the jargon

Hello!  I hope your week is already off to a good a start.

For my first real blog post, I thought it would probably be good to start with the basics.  Any one who has or is working with me knows I like to start with education around how the brain is designed to help us and how the brain inadvertently makes life more difficult.  I do this because it's important to understand that the very basic purposes of anxiety is motivation and survival on your journey of learning how to manage your feelings.  More specifically, anxiety creates the motivation to survive.  At this point I'm sure the first thought in your head is "Well, I get stressed at (work, while driving, while arguing with my partner, etc.) my life isn't in danger during these times..."  You're right!  You know that, but the brain only knows that you are stressed.  You have to tell your brain you're survival is not threatened in this situation.  The brain can do amazing things but we have to consciously let our brain know we are safe, and we need to believe ourselves that we are safe.

I reference "The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling, Start Living" by Dr. Russ Harris.  Here's some of his free resources you can look at to learn more about what I'm talking about: https://thehappinesstrap.com/free-resources/ 

Dr. Harris brings up a of good points around how our society has developed and evolved about a century faster than our neruo-biology.  Our society doesn't have nearly as many life threatening stressors (predators, famine, etc.) but the brain is still preprogramed and developed to keep it's self and body alive at all costs from any perceived threats.  Perceived threats, meaning anything that induces stress or anxiety.  The brain also works towards returning to a regulated state by seeking safety or a way to diffuse the trigger.  Here's a play by play of what happens:

1) A stressor comes to your attention.

2) Brain recognizes there is a stressor that COULD be a threat to survival and goes to its pre-programming: "ALERT! DANGER!!"

3) The prefrontal cortex holds all the executive functioning skills of the brain (i.e. logic, rationality, problem solving, empathy, etc.) all those skills that make us a sophisticated species.  Once the alert is sounded the brain is programmed to shut down all executive functioning and activate the amygdala- the part of the brain that controls the Flight/Fight/Freeze response all living things resort to for survival.

4) The brain picks the response that has worked most often in the past when the brain perceives a threat or whatever in that mili-second the brain deems most appropriate and you go into auto-pilot.

5) The hear beast faster to release more blood to give more energy and adrenaline is also released to help this.  The digestive system shuts down and the body tenses.

This is why people will talk about feeling dizzy and out of control of their own body in different stressful times.  This is also why they describe stomach and GI issues along with sore or tense muscles.  Our lungs are the only organ we really have control of in these moments, which is why therapists are always talking about breathing.  The self-talk is also key because you need to help your brain understand you are safe.

Bringing back to your original thought: "But James, I'm stressed out by life threatening events, it's usually just work, money, or my relationships".  Again, all of it come down to survival.  How often have you had a thought similar to: "These cars need to speed up or I'll be late and my boss will be mad at me!"- You care if your boss is angry at you because they determine if you keep your job, which in today's modern society, dictates if we will survive or not because we need an income to survive.  It's the same for our relationships- "I don't want them to be upset with me because they might make other people think I'm bad or my partner might reject me"- Human connection is also directly related to our survival.  Whether we want to admit it or not, despite all our advances, humans still need each other for survival.

Now you know, that's part of managing your stress and anxiety.  Acknowledging you are having these feelings and why and then bringing in facts and logic to let your brain know you will be ok.  We call this, reframing.  Instead of "Traffic is slow, I'll be late and my boss will be mad at me" reframe to "I'm in this situation, fight/flight/freeze won't help me.  I'll explain to my boss and they might be upset or they might understand".  This thought terrifies some people because it is admitting a lack of control of a situation and that in and of itself is relinquishing control to your own survival.  If it seems too much for you to relinquish that much control, another reframe would be "There's nothing I can do to figure this out until I'm calm.  I am safe right now.  I'll figure this out once I calm down." and figuring it out might be figuring out a way to leave earlier in the morning and letting your boss know you are working on it.

Parents reading this, this is also what happens to your child.  The difference is, you have the fully developed brain that can more easily rationalize with your brain.  Children are still learning what is safe and what is dangerous and their brains are still developing their executive functioning skills.  That being said, their amygdalas are ready and raring to go into survival mode more so than an adult brain.  That means, as the adult, you need to be your child's frontal cortex when they are upset and model healthy coping and regulation skills for them.  Healthy coping skills are taught and practiced, they don't come preprogramed unfortunately.

Now this doesn't mean you try to rationalize with your child in moments of stress.  It means you join with them and show them you are calm and will keep them safe.  Validation is key.  No one likes to be told "calm down" or "that's nothing to be upset about".  That creates shame, which triggers the survival response because shame implies possible rejection which means possible risk to survival.  Try using one of these 49 Phrases to Calm an Anxious Child next time your child is having a hard time.  But remember, you need to be regulated and have your frontal cortex activated before you can be a good support to your child.

Now that you understand the science and purpose behind anxiety go out and give reframing a try.  Also, practice taking a moment to analyze "Why did I get so stressed out over that?" and see how it might relate to your sense of survival.

Next week we'll talk about being present and the helpful power of being mindful to better understanding your anxiety.  

Take care and be well,

-James