A Different Perspective of Valentine's Day
Happy February 13th! The eve to the day of love. I’m well aware people fall into camps around this holiday. Some embrace the day and others feel it’s over rated and shameful to people not in a romantic relationship. For the latter, I totally get it and I had been in that camp of people for a long time. The entire day, like many holidays, has been taken and twisted into a day about consumerism and showing love through spending money on your significant other. Plus, my big hang up has always been that celebrating a significant other should be every day AND anniversaries are more appropriate for this kind of thing (in my mind anyway). At least until recently, which I will be getting too. I could go into the origins of the day and how it originally was a very early Christian fertility ritual to signify spring and then much later became about love, but I’m here to focus on the present and offer a different perspective for February 14th.
My new perspective actually came very recently, a couple weeks ago, when I was thinking about this coming Valentine’s Day. I noticed it’s on a Friday and I happen to have the following Saturday free. My partner and I don’t traditionally do much for Valentine’s Day for many fo the reasons I mentioned in the previous paragraph. However, I felt myself wanting to do something special this year since it would be a holiday weekend. I’ve also been reading a lot of recent/updated research on Attachment Theory and Emotionally Focused Therapy. It was then that I had the question “Why do we have a centuries old day about love?”, which was immediately followed up by me answering myself with “Because humans are relational creatures and have been the entirety of our existence”. All of the research is showing that relationships (attachments) play a huge role in a person’s mental health. We are biologically designed to seek connection (love) and meaningful relationships with other people and strive for healthy romantic relationships, family relationships, and friendships. These connections tend to have an impact on how we feel about or view ourselves, not due to emotional weakness but because that is how attachment works.
Healthy and secure connections help improve one’s mental health, build resilience, and form a secure sense of self and emotional strength. We need these connections our entire lives, not just in childhood. Being a healthy adult is to know when you actually need help and when you can handle something alone, along with knowing who you can reach out to for help. Our society has confused the definition of a healthy adult as someone who never needs help and is 100% self-reliant. This is an unattainable goal and it’s unhealthy to pursue since it only leads to self-shame and breaking down your psyche.
Love and Attachment are the same. Both have various forms and levels depending on the other person involved in the relationship, but love is a very important part of humanity. There’s family love, romantic love, platonic love, self-love, and fondness- so maybe not “love” but a liking of something or someone. So my new perspective is that February 14th is strictly a celebration of love’s many forms and all the loving relationships in our lives. Love is one of the rawest forms of emotion we can feel and provides the most human of experiences. Like I mentioned earlier, literally every movie, book, story, or myth has a form of love as a focal point. Yes, romantic loves tends to be a primary go to in most stories but celebrating family and friends who provide safety and security to you is just as, if not more so important. Don’t forget loving yourself, this is a very important and overlooked form of love.
Now, I’m not saying you need to buy gifts for everyone and yourself. Far from it, unless that’s your love language and that’s what you want to do! All I’m saying is, rather than being annoyed or even upset about Valentine’s Day, look at it as a day to celebrate something that all humans need and value- love and connection in many forms. Celebrate them a way that is meaningful to you, even if it is just a moment of reflection and thanks for these connections and what they provide you. And don’t forget to appreciate yourself! Even if you’re not your own favorite person, you still deserve to be loved and to feel love in its various forms. Everyone deserves that. I don’t know, maybe that’s what this day has always been about?
Take care and Happy Valentine’s Day